It’s official - Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey are OVER!

The best part - in their press release, they are asking for PRIVACY.

Uh, there hasn’t been anything private about your whole relationship. So you think we’re gonna give you privacy during your diVORCE?

Yeah, I’m thinking that’s not going to happen.

Sometimes, kids, what you wish for can be dangerous.

Alias is no more.

Yep, it’s coming to an end. I supposed Jennifer wants to focus on her impending motherhood with new husband Ben Affleck.

And to answer your question, Pants, Michael Vartan was yanked from the show, because he used to date Jennifer Garner. Now would you want your wife macking on her ex-boyfriend every week? No probably not. Neither did Ben. Especially if your wife has a history of running off with co-stars. And since Jennifer IS the star of the show, Michael got the axe.

But it doesn’t really make that big of a difference, since now they ALL are getting canned. You’ll just have to buy the boxed set.

I was so busy this weekend, I haven’t had the time to read my weekly magazines. I KNOW - can you believe it? See, a dear friend got married here in town - and tons of old college friends visited. Oh, and then, an hour before the wedding began, a haz-mat team was called to tend to a strange vial of white powder found on neighbor and fellow-diva Monica’s back deck. Fire trucks blocked our dead-end street and we were worried we wouldn’t be allowed to escape - but don’t fret - it turned out to be cornstarch and glass. Those damn kids with their fake coke. Kinda like Paris Hilton and her fake ring, eh.

Anyway, I will start posting a tidbit a day to keep you all informed. I hope your weekend was as exciting as mine (minus the haz-mat team, of course).

but my computer caught on fire.

Yep. Sparks, smoke - everything. It was my beloved teeny laptop - it was only about 2 1/2 years old. I called him Scrappy.

He’s done this to me before - but I’d always buy a new power cord and he’d behave for about 6 months, and then start smouldering again. But this time I knew it was time to put him down.

He’s been very very sick. When I’d turn him on in the morning - he would actually groan. And then, the hinge to that connects the monitor to the keyboard snapped. So I did what any loving mother would do - fix him with duct tape.

But this time, the fire was just too severe. It was time for him to go. I was hoping he could wait until Friday, but he couldn’t make it.

RIP, Scrappy.

And say HI to Large Marge - my brand-new kickass Vaio!!! She totally kicks Scrappy’s ass.

… for “who cares?”

The daughter of a washed-up rock star is marrying a member of the MTV “reality” show “Laguna Beach.”

God the gossip world is slow. This was on the front page of Yahoo!

Yep - looks like Martha’s Apprentice show is getting the axe.

Well, the guy who owns my hair salon is going to be seriously bummed. I was there about a month ago and he was gushing about the show and how great it is and how he’s seriously addicted. I remember thinking, “I should really watch that…” And that was the end of it.

Gee, I wonder why it’s being cancelled?

… but unfortunately does not burn.

I thought this story was lame when it broke a couple of days ago. Paris & Co. are surrounded by paparazzi - her NEW Greek shipping heir boyfriend Stavros Niarchos got frazzled by all the hoopla and smashed his new girl’s Bentley into the back of a parked truck. YAWN. Happens to me all the time.

But, get this - there’s VIDEO. And so Paris and Stavros are hanging with Kimberly Stewart (Rod’s daughter - who has a disturbing tattoo on her torso right above her hoo-hoo that says “Daddy’s Little Girl” - ew.) and this kid who is on MTV’s “reality” show “Laguna Beach”.

So the Greek guy gets all frazzled cuz there’s camera guys surrounding the car. So he lurches forward and oops - right into a truck. Then he lurches forward and oops - almost right into a person - then he manages to leave.

But the cops pull them over and doesn’t issue any tickets or anything - even tho the Laguna Beach kid says “I’m the only sober one.”

Hmmmmm. Methinks celebrity favoritism. So Paris Hilton squeaks, “We love cops.” I thought she meant the TV show - cuz I love that too. And she blows the cop a little kiss.

Watch it - it’s really good quality and I’ve tested it for you - no viruses on this one.

I’m betting the Laguna Beach kid doesn’t get asked to hang with Paris again. Just a hunch.

This was the major story in all the rags this weekend. I thought it was due to his horrible rapping skills, but turns out it’s because he’s partying instead of helping out with his new son.

OK, now what did she expect? He LEFT the mother of his first daughter WHILE she was 7 months pregnant with his son to hang with Britney. You can’t tell me she’s surprised by this.

So she kicked him out and then flew to Louisiana to get some support from her own mama, Lynne, at her house “Serenity.” I love houses with names. K-Fed mourned her departure by going out to clubs every night, drinking with his friends.

Star Magazine consulted an expert on this, who seems to think that Kevin’s behavior is Britney’s fault. “I think it’s immature [for Britney] to think that Kevin would change if she ran to mommy to fix the problem. Britney has to fix any problem there is,” say renowned couple therapist Bobbie Sandoz-Merrill. Yeah - THAT’S the problem.

And of course, K-Fed has no responsibility of fixing it. It’s all Britney’s job.

Well, she does earn all the money and take care of the baby. I guess she needs to fix her marriage by herself too. Here’s a first step, Brit - DUMP HIM. YOU DON’T NEED HIM!!!

… let’s have another BABY!

Becuase it’s so hard to cuddle that $4 million purple diamond ring you gave me.

So Sarah Michelle Gel-LAR has been cast as the lead in the movie “A Girl’s Guide to Hunting and Fishing.”

That’s not ewwwwwww.

Her love interest is Alec Baldwin.

(Cue the “ewwwwwwww”)

She’s 28. He’s 47. I know young starlets are commonly cast with much older leading men. But for some reason, this one icks me out.